The mighty wind blows

My little boy isn't so little anymore. His birthday is two weeks from today; Nicholas will be 12 years old! Man, time has flown by. It seems like this happened overnight... and honestly I don't remember everything like I should. I swear I have blocked out a few years of his life. I am a crappy mom... I mean, really, who just completely forgets memories that should stay with them? He is my only child... it's not like I have other kids' memories fogging up my brain. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? 'Cause, really, I feel like a failure as a mother right now. Not to mention, Nicholas doesn't really have friends his own age... any friends, really. What is wrong with this picture? I have been feeling sorry for myself and staying away from meeting new people and being involved with PTA or whatever for the sheer reason that I am fat and truly uncomfortable with meeting new people. I know, I know... lose weight... well I am! I am making a change... and a great one at that. When is it going to feel okay to do things alone... by myself? I hate being alone. I can't handle going places on my lonesome. What in the world is my problem?!!!! I am a good person... a little shy at first. Once I get comfortable in a situation, I am good... and I relax and let the real me come out and play. Maybe its because I have always ben the fat kid... but I had friends and sleepovers and all that fun stuff. What is it I am doing wrong for my kid to not have those same experiences? Maybe its the school... the last school he was at, Niholas had quite a few friends... and one in particular spent the night on occasion. I dunno... maybe I am just being hard on myself. Maybe I just need to swallow my... ummmm... pride? Whatever... I have to feel like I have done something right. I had him at 20... alone... his father wasn't part of his life until Nicholas was 7 years old... and Alex isn't much of a "father" now.

Heck, maybe its 'cause I have always worked weekends. Yeah, that would explain it, right! Okay... maybe I am overreacting a bit. But... he won't have anyone at his birthday party on the 5th... except family. I guess its not so bad... after all... some of the little hoodrats growing up around us I would not allow Nicholas to associate with. Anywhoo... I am done... and off my soapbox for the time being. Tony and I am going to Blockbuster Video and then off to get snow cones. Tootles.

first posting...

So here goes... I am always tinkering with new thoughts... my wild imagination, you know. I have been online all day long looking at all the new scrappy-stuff! It is sooooo exciting! I need inspiration so bad.

Yesterday, I made myself and three of my nurse friends little "brains." I took composition books and altered them... woo hoo! We nurses have so much paperwork to do in our facility it is hard to keep up with the everyday things... so I decorated these into little gems... maybe that will help keep us from making mistakes.

My poor husband has been dealing with my craziness lately... and I am sorry. I take little things out on him... ie: cleaning up after himself. I should know better. I saw his apartment he lived in before we got married... it isn't anything new. I wish I could NOT sweat the small stuff. I just don't know how to let stress roll off my back. I don't mean to hurt his feelings, really I don't. It seems like I pick fights with him when our funds are limited... or when he is paying more attention to the sport of the day than to me. Man, I am a jealous little witch, huh!

I think I need a day at the spa... you know... massage, manicure, and pedicure. I need to erase all my stress. What I really want is a day at the mall... I need new clothes. I have lost 60+ pounds in threee months! Woo Hoo! I have to get other priorities accomplished first...like the bills. So, I guess that means "no" for now.

Oh well, maybe this funk will lift. I sure hope it goes away soon. Anywhoo... I will post again later.