The mighty wind blows

My little boy isn't so little anymore. His birthday is two weeks from today; Nicholas will be 12 years old! Man, time has flown by. It seems like this happened overnight... and honestly I don't remember everything like I should. I swear I have blocked out a few years of his life. I am a crappy mom... I mean, really, who just completely forgets memories that should stay with them? He is my only child... it's not like I have other kids' memories fogging up my brain. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? 'Cause, really, I feel like a failure as a mother right now. Not to mention, Nicholas doesn't really have friends his own age... any friends, really. What is wrong with this picture? I have been feeling sorry for myself and staying away from meeting new people and being involved with PTA or whatever for the sheer reason that I am fat and truly uncomfortable with meeting new people. I know, I know... lose weight... well I am! I am making a change... and a great one at that. When is it going to feel okay to do things alone... by myself? I hate being alone. I can't handle going places on my lonesome. What in the world is my problem?!!!! I am a good person... a little shy at first. Once I get comfortable in a situation, I am good... and I relax and let the real me come out and play. Maybe its because I have always ben the fat kid... but I had friends and sleepovers and all that fun stuff. What is it I am doing wrong for my kid to not have those same experiences? Maybe its the school... the last school he was at, Niholas had quite a few friends... and one in particular spent the night on occasion. I dunno... maybe I am just being hard on myself. Maybe I just need to swallow my... ummmm... pride? Whatever... I have to feel like I have done something right. I had him at 20... alone... his father wasn't part of his life until Nicholas was 7 years old... and Alex isn't much of a "father" now.

Heck, maybe its 'cause I have always worked weekends. Yeah, that would explain it, right! Okay... maybe I am overreacting a bit. But... he won't have anyone at his birthday party on the 5th... except family. I guess its not so bad... after all... some of the little hoodrats growing up around us I would not allow Nicholas to associate with. Anywhoo... I am done... and off my soapbox for the time being. Tony and I am going to Blockbuster Video and then off to get snow cones. Tootles.